Neurotic

The Joys of Thanksgiving

2005-11-25T04:28:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving, a day when many people sit down with friends and family, stuffing themselves with plates of food, giving thanks to the warmth of love they have all around them.

I'm sure those were the thoughts and good intentions of the grocery store clerk who merrily quipped "Happy Thanksgiving!" to me as I left the checkout stand. I forced a smile and tried not to let the occasion remind me of what Thanksgiving truly entails for some of us.

It seems in the midst of their happiness people are all too willing to completely forget about the reality that life holds for others. Some of us don't have friends, or a family, to spend the holidays with. Some of us spend Thanksgiving alone, eating pizza in front of the TV, while others curl up on the couch quietly crying to themselves. Worse yet, some don't have a couch, nor a home for that matter. But we don't want to think of those people; who wants to ruin the holiday cheer, right? What Thanksgiving is really about to most people, is being thankful that they're not as bad off as the next guy.

So happy Thanksgiving everybody and pay no mind to Leroy, freezing under the Burnside bridge in a flannel blanket, or your next door neighbor crying himself to sleep out of sheer desperation and lonliness. God bless America, and everything will be OK. Right?

Oh and don't worry Leroy, Christmas is just around the corner; that'll cheer you up in no time.

Confusion

2005-11-17T01:19:00.000-08:00

Every day, I feel further from my goals, my aspirations, my future....my self. This isn't general whining mind you, but rather an observation of a collection of much more specific things.

A few months ago my depression reared its ugly head, despite my continued use of Welbutrin. Prior to that, I experienced a few months where I was actually happy. I'm not talking ecstatic, euphoric, anything of that sort. I was simply content. Even my bad days were a hundred times better my previous good days. I felt like I was me again.

One day, the powers that be decided that they'd had enough of this "happy" bullshit and they took it all away. I slipped back into old habits: a bad diet, insomnia, inability to concentrate, irritability, the works. Many of these things were listed side effects of the drug, so perhaps they simply took their sweet time in kicking in? I don't know.

What I do know is that my life is going nowhere, fast. And the amazing part? IT'S ALL INTERNAL. There are absolutely zero outside factors right now that are hindering my progression. I have money, I have a job, I have a car, I have a roof over my head, I have most every material item I could want. Most importantly, I have a plan. Sounds perfect right? So what the fuck is the problem? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

So what's wrong? I've got insomnia. I'm irritated by even the simplest of things, I mean really small bullshit that I normally wouldn't think twice about. I can't concentrate for crap; getting through a book is now a monumental task. I can't even read the daily news anymore because I can't read entire sentences without getting antsy and skimming along to the next item. Even sitting here writing this blog entry requires an enormous amount of concentration. Furthermore, my mind is always racing...to the point where I can't think, and I generally make a lot of typos (mind is thinking one thing, fingers are typing another). My diet has gone to shit. I reverted back to soda and fast food, instead of my usual fare of tea, water, and healthy asian food. I have no idea why.

Lastly, I'm lonely as hell. I live in a city of millions of people and I know maybe 3 of them. I have zero close friends, and spend 99% of my time alone. You'd think this alone time would cause me to be quite productive, alas....see the above paragraph.

I want it to all go away, I want my brain to function again...I want myself back.

The Beginning

2005-11-12T03:50:00.000-08:00

Every day, I am deathly afraid of the truth...what it means, what it might reveal about me. But not right now, right now I'm free, I am clear.

The only way to truly...be...is to simply let go and accept what life has given you. The truth of this really hit me tonight. As humans we have an inherent greed that we must transcend, to find our true selves. I believe that this is goes beyond the scope of the human capacity. But in contrast to what I do not know, is what I merely feel. I cannot comprehend this requirement of me, as a human and as a part of Gaia. I have realized that all of this struggle is futile, pointless. I am here for a reason, an undeniable reason that I can feel on the deepest level, regardless what I "believe". My reason is different from most while sharing the same foundation, and perhaps that's what makes it so special. Perhaps that is what justifies the sacrifices required. Maybe feelings are necessary to facilitate in putting our minds at rest when we oppose our true destiny and purpose in life.

So now I see, that every moment of every day of my existence, was just one of many pieces of the puzzle that all add up to finally reveal the grand picture of my reason for existence. I realize now just how greedy I was in the past. I used to put myself first, I was what mattered....to me. I understand, no...I *feel* now, just how wrong I was. I never had a notion of something greater than myself, a collectively greater entity than my cognitive "self".

I can't pretend to understand why I was destined for this role in life, why I was picked to carry out what I now feel is my duty. So my task, from here on out, is to push aside my personal feelings and effects, to do what I know best, to care of others in the deepest sense...with selfless regard.

When this feeling surfaces, I don't know if I should rejoice in happiness, or cry in hopeless despair. But again, it doesn't matter. We are divine, we are what we were meant to be...and though our mind would sometimes like to challenge that position, we cannot fight it. I aspire to remind myself every day that I wake up, that today my goal is to follow my heart, to take another step closer to the infectious spread of life, energy, and selfless love.

Every day will be a struggle to abandon myself, in hopes not that I will one day perfect it, but rather that I will have accomplished the goals destined before me, to give everything I have...to love every soul that crosses my path, unconditionally.

So...I wave goodbye to myself, and I set "me" free.

A Good Day

2005-11-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

So today I woke up and said "I'm going to make today count", I grabbed a shower and caught a train downtown. I got down here, took care of some business at the local college, and headed across the river to a diner for some breakfast.

A black homeless man named Lee Roy walked up and introduced himself; we chatted a bit, he liked my coat. He asked what I did for a living, and though most of what I said went right over his head, he was quite friendly nonetheless. He asked for 30 cents, I gave him 75. It's amazing how happy you can make somebody with a mere 75 cents. I came back over the river and decided to hop off and check out this little internet cafe I had been hearing about, called Backspace.

Neat little place, locally owned, great atmosphere. They have free wifi, a gaming room full of PCs, and a couple pool tables. I love Portland, it's full of little places like this.

It's about damned time I had a good day, I deserve it.

A gem on the web

2005-11-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was standing in my kitchen with my Powerbook, surfing the web while cooking myself some dinner. I was browsing through local blogs, and stumbled across one that intrigued me. I decided to read a post or two...

Fast forward three hours and I still haven't finished reading. I got sucked in. The author of "cheekyboots" has an insight and perspective on life that I can't even begin to grasp. Her words are encouraging, and comforting. Much of what she says, you and I already know, yet fail to apply in our every day lives.

I highly recommend pointing your browser over to Cheekyboots.com and having a read. Make sure you're comfy, as you may be there for a while...

A strange emptiness

2005-10-31T05:47:00.000-08:00

So here I sit in the wee hours of the morning on my living room couch. I haven't slept in two days, as my insomnia decided to make an unwelcome comeback. I opened my sliding glass door a couple hours ago, so I could hear the soothing sounds of the storm outside. I peered through the night to the street lamp across the way, illuminating just how hard it was raining. I casually glanced up at the swaying trees above, and it hit me like a truck.

Absolute emptiness. A lonely cold shiver that rattled my entire body and pierced my heart. A feeling so utterly profound and powerful, as to seem borderline surreal. Looking up, the combination of the dark night sky, the bitter winter air and the lashing winds howling through the treetops above, caused a startling desperate emptiness. It felt like every ounce of confidence, security and warmth I have ever had, was instantly ripped straight out of my chest. I suddenly felt sure that I was to die alone in the dark, in the midst of a relentless storm, not now...but someday. "Alone"...the thought echoed through my head.

This isn't the first time it has happened, but merely the first time in nearly two years. At a previous residence, there grew very tall trees and one night when I ventured out for a walk, the rustling of the trees in the strong winds first produced this phenomenon.

I've never in my life felt such a compelling fear, one that caused me to reassess my entire existence and emotional integrity. It felt as though the very thing that made me human, life itself, was taken from me in an instant. All that was left was an empty shell, somehow still standing there, eyes locked on these seemingly deadly trees. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. I wanted to look away, but couldn't.

I was frozen in the worst state imaginable...a prisoner to eternal emptiness.

A sign?

2005-06-18T15:53:00.000-07:00

In January I found myself sliding down a runway in a Boeing 737 at San Francisco International airport, due to the slick rainy conditions.

In May, a Mitsubishi plane crashed about 50 yards from my office building where I work, just missing our northeast building.

Over the weekend, a military jet fighter screamed over my apartment at 11pm, setting off car alarms and nearly blowing my windows out.

Today, on my way back to work from my lunch break, a helicopter swooped out from behind a line of trees, and skimmed about 30 feet over the top of my car, scaring the shit out of me.

Something tells me I should avoid flying in the foreseeable future.
*sighs*

Quote of the century

2005-06-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

"Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening,terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities, the political, the religious, the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rules, regulations, informing, forming in our minds their view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable, open-mindedness; chaotic, confused, vulnerability to inform yourself.

Think for yourself.
Question authority."

- Timothy Leary

A notable quote

2005-05-11T06:23:00.000-07:00

"Macs turn up in the movies all the time -- not so much because of product placement, but because so many movie people use them and like them. A historian of the future, counting all the on-screen computers between 1983 and today, would likely conclude that Macs represented 90 percent of the computer market.

Alas, this is not so. But since any reasonable person would choose a Mac over a PC, Apple's market share does provide us with an accurate reading of the percentage of reasonable people in our society." -- Roger Ebert

Subway ditches Pepsi

2005-05-08T00:40:00.000-07:00

I walked into Subway today with a friend saying "I'm sure craving Dew right now". I casually glance over to the soda fountain to get a glimpse of the goodness to come, only to find to my horror that it's gone! Subway has switched nation wide (according to the guy behind the counter) to Coke products only.

What does this mean?

Instead of having Sobe in the cooler, there's now an assortment of shitty fruit juices, and Dasani salt-water (most people aren't aware of how much crap they add to it). Instead of the soda fountain having Sierra Mist, Pepsi, Mountain Dew, Dr Pepper, Cherry Pepsi, etc....we now have such excellent selections as "Unsweetened tea", which slightly resembles dirty dish water. Also now available is "Diet Caffiene Free Coke"...woo! Oh, and lets not forget Root Beer...as though we were eating pizza at Subway. There is now multiple taps for Diet Coke (yum!) as well. There were a few other thoroughly unexciting options that escape my memory at the moment. In other words....BLAH.

I settled on Coke (the only one of the bunch I can stand) and grumbled out the door. Way to go Subway. I think I'll visit Taco Bell more often now.

PS: This all comes shortly after the majority of Subway chains yanked their horseradish sauce, and provolone cheese. I'm not a happy camper.

Amen

2005-04-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

"After your identity has been stolen, your bank accounts compromised, 53 critical patches and 27 reboots later, when will you decide that you've had enough?"

An excellent article that I highly recommend everyone read, and take a moment to ponder on. As a tech/geek I have seen this a million times over, yet I still hear the same stupid, ignorant responses from people "I don't want to switch away from Windows!".

Apple's Big Virus

Sin City

2005-04-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a showing of "Sin City" at the movies. I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised. I was expecting a completely plotless comic-book beat'em up movie. Instead I was greeted with a series of intriguing mini stories, offhand humor, and lots of gore. The first thing that grabbed me was this movie's black-and-white stylized design. Most of the film is in B&W, with color highlighting where emphasis was appropriate. Overall it was just beautiful in a very retro manner, and the throw-back acting truly added to the old-style film effect.

The pure shock factor of many aspects of the film (blatant gratuitious nudity, astonishing amounts of blatant gore) upped the ante, and took viewers for a spin right from the get go. A few moments of slapstick humor interrupted the otherwise serious tone of the plot, and was warmly received by the audience.

The ending seemed to fly right over the heads of most of the people in the theater, as it did require a second or two of deliberation and thought. Nearly every film has something to say under the surface, and Sin City was no exception...

A night of music

2005-02-05T23:05:00.000-08:00

Last night a friend and I braved the city and went to see one of my favorite local bands, Drumattica. The venue was new to me, a little hole near Chinatown, called The Roseland Grille.

We arrived early, got our stamps, and then left again to seek out food (the opening bands weren't worth sticking around for). We headed over to Kell's, an excellent Irish Pub and restaurant, and grabbed some food and drinks to tide us over. Upon leaving, my friend Neil, quite happy with the atmosphere (read: gorgeous women) praised my choice in dining, and requested that we frequent the place more often.

We walked back to the show, grabbed a few drinks, and absorbed the music. I can't say enough about this band. Their lead singer, Rob Wynia originally started a Eugene based band with some friends, called Floater. Following years of massive success, he tuned his softer side into a new band, Drumattica. Have a listen, and see what you think...

65 hours and counting

2005-01-30T23:52:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to work one self to death? I'm honestly beginning to wonder. 3:30 PM on Friday evening rolled around, quitting time for most of us, when our boss strolled in and announced an "emergency project", which involved overtime. Always one for more cash, I was quick to volunteer. Little did I know, this project was due Monday morning.

Fast forward a couple of days, and I have now racked up 65+ hours for the week, and counting. I've pretty much been living at work. What few hours I do have off, I use to run home for a shower and nap, before I run back to work for another double shift.

The good news is that my check for last week is going to be in the four figures, the bad news is that I just finished a grueling weekend of hell, and I have to be up again in 5 hours to start fresh Monday morning.

Macworld Expo 2005 - Day 4

2005-01-13T23:30:00.000-08:00

Our last day, and I feel like I'm dying. We have walked so far, so much, I feel like my feet are going to fall off. I wore holes in the backs of my shoes, and they're pretty much shot, along with my legs. We awoke at 10 AM (it was nice sleeping in for a change) and immediately headed off to our first conference for the day. We attended several meetings over the afternoon, on various topics such as Photoshop, OS X Panther, Palm OS, etc.

After the conferences, we went back onto the expo floor, and I picked up a few Mac goodies. We grabbed some food, and pretty much called it a day. We swung by the Metreon to watch a six o'clock showing of "Meet the Fockers", and then caught our train to the airport. Completely worn out, we had a nice smooth flight home...

All in all, I have to say that Macworld Expo is by far one of the coolest things I have ever done, and is easily the best computer expo/show/convention I have ever attended. Just being in the same room as Steve Jobs, was awe inspiring. Being around so many fanatical, obsessed Apple fans, was quite an experience.

Macworld Expo 2005 - Day 3

2005-01-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

Today's plan began with some of the conference meetings at Macworld. We attended a Photoshop lecture, and moved on to the best one so far, advanced Mac OS X installations. I took down a ton of good notes, and got some great information. Tomorrow should hold even more. After our last conference was over, we took it upon ourselves to head up to North Beach, a shady part of San Francisco that supposedly was home to a store called The Mystic Eye, a voodoo shop of shorts. After much confusion and bus swapping, we arrived only to realize (after finding a wireless connection and Googling) that this place had changed its name, and moved to the other side of downtown.

Foolishly, we hopped a bus in the correct general direction, thinking it would take us somewhere in the vicinity of our destination. Neil pointed out shortly after we boarded, that this was an express bus (read: it wasn't making any stops) straight to the other side of town. It was too late. The transportation experience that followed was completely and utterly horrifying. Number three on the cheating death list. A half hour later we found ourselves completely and utterly lost, in noman's land. We got off the bus and immediately hopped on other, going in the opposite direction...taking care that this bus actually intended on making stops. After another half hour ride, and a half hour of walking (we were dying of exhaustion at this point) we finally reached our destination, only to find that the place was closed, in addition to being completely changed to no longer include the store that we were looking for.

Tired and defeated, we walked the rest of the way back to the hotel area, and plopped down in a nice Sushi bar for some incredible dinner. Afterwards, we bought two tickets to the IMAX movie theater in the Sony Metreon center. We walked into the theater and were instantly disoriented. The movie screen is 8 stories high and 100 feet wide. The stadium seating seemed to go on forever. The entire system was backed by a 13,000 watt Sony surround sound system. This particular movie, was "The Polar Express", in full 3D. We were handed 3D glasses at the door. I have to say, the experience was amazing, but a bit nauseating. The 3D effect was incredible; you felt like you could reach out and touch the images passing before your eyes. I definitely recommend an IMAX movie to everyone.

Macworld Expo 2005 - Day 2

2005-01-11T22:38:00.000-08:00

It was incredibly hard to awaken this morning, until at one point I realized that I would very soon be in mecca, observing my
first Steve Note. After a quick shower we darted off to the convention center in the dark, at 5:30 AM. As luck would have it, it was absolutely pouring rain. Fifteen minutes later we found the entrance to the building, and found a line stretching to the next city block. Expecting this, we walked to the end and turned the corner. This is where the shock set in. Wrapped around the building, and three city blocks into the foggy distance, were over a thousand bag toting Apple fanatics, standing in the pouring rain, waiting to get into the building. Neil and I agreed at this point that we had grossly underestimated the loyalty of the Apple consumer. Showing up a mere half hour early, was a serious mistake. These people had been here since 4:30 AM.

Once inside, thousands of people were shuffled down underground, into the conference hall's secondary "ballroom". There, we waited, standing, for nearly two hours. As the last few minutes creeped by, my back burning, my feet on fire, I looked around and saw nothing but smiles. Here, after standing in the rain for hours on end, after being herded like cows into a holding pen for two hours more, these people were nothing but happy, excitedly chattering amongst themselves about the rumors and speculation of what the morning was to bring. This was dedication unlike anything I had ever seen.

Once the line started moving, cheers and applause echoed throughout the hall. After they removed the barrier line, the entire mass of people flooded towards the stairs, with a frightening speed. If one lost their footing in this wave of people, they could be easily trampled. After climbing a few flights of stairs and passing through a sky bridge, we walked into a massive conference hall. By massive, I'm talking the floor space of a massive department store, only three times taller.

My initial reaction was one of shock. Having been to Microsoft expos, I expected the usual dull white lights, crappy music, and mundane suits and ties walking around. Instead, I was greeted with a club-like atmosphere; a dimmed room, colored spotlights flying, blasting music on huge hanging concert speakers, and two huge glowing Apple logos greeting us from the front wall. The entire scene was simply surreal...I was absolutely floored. The enthusiasm on people's faces was spine tingling...watching 20 somethings to 60 year olds, with grins so wide you'd think they were 10 years old on Christmas morning. Never in my life have I seen a company, a technology, a culture, inspire and light up so many people at once.

A few minutes after everyone settled down and was seated, the man of the hour, Steve Jobs himself, came onto stage. Music erupted, lights flew in every direction, and a deafening roar of screams, whistles and applause filled the hall in a full standing ovation, accompanied by the light of thousands of camera flashes.

The rest I won't describe, as you can simply watch it at Apple's website; needless to say, it was simply awesome; it gave me goose bumps. Incredible technologies were revealed, some of which I was personally waiting for. Two hours later, Steve once again had the Apple world in the palm of his hand. We all walked away with even more enthusiasm than we had come with...

Macworld Expo 2005 - Day 1

2005-01-10T23:00:00.000-08:00

Pictures of the trip (not all taken at Macworld)

Today was the start of our Macworld trip to San Francisco. We left Intel early, and caught a 2:30 train to PDX airport. After a bit of fumbling through security, removing our shoes, etc we boarded our 5:20 PM United Airlines flight, and were soon in the air. During takeoff I set my digital camera to movie mode and pointed it out the window. The results were quite cool.

An hour and a half later, I was jolted from my slumber when we hit a storm just north of San Francisco. I've seen my share of turbulence, and this took the cake. The entire plane shuddered violently in every direction, tossing people around in their seats. Looking outside, the plane's wings were flexing a good 2 feet vertically. The pilot's voice came over the intercom and instructed the flight attendants to take their seats as quickly as possible. This didn't instill confidence. 20 minutes later, feeling our fate was quite certain, we finally saw water as the plane came down to the bay for a landing. Looking out the window, you could just barely make out the airport through the pouring rain. A few seconds later found us sliding down the runway on the wet landing strip at 200 mph with almost zero traction. Apparently realizing that we were sliding, the pilot kicked up the wing flaps and the plane violently surged, cutting our speed in half. I was fairly certain my neck was going to snap.

As the plane taxied into the terminal, a quivering flight attendants voice came over the intercom, thanking us for flying the friendly skies. Cute.

We made our way through the massive SFO airport (that place is like a small country) and found our way to the overhead automated light rail system, which took us to the nearest BART train station (still inside the airport). The BART is an interesting beast, given that the average train is 10 cars long and probably 100 yards from end to end. While zipping through the underground tunnels of San Francisco I suddenly recalled reading that the BART train has no driver. The train is fully automated. Scary. Ascending from the downtown subway station up to the street, I proudly felt as though I'd cheated death twice in one day.

Exhausted from our trip, we trudged up Market St in downtown, and found our hotel. We dropped off our stuff and like giddy school girls, ran off to the world famous San Francisco Apple store, the third largest in the world. To say that this place is amazing, would be a gross understatement. Instead, I will simply refer you to the pictures that I took. It was an awesome sight.

As utterly exhausted as I am, we have to be up in four hours, to get to the convention center and pick up our keynote badges. Tomorrow has much in store...

Our darkest day has come...

2004-11-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

It's an embarrassing and shameful day to be an American. November 2nd was our day, to reclaim our nation, and revert this dictatorship back to the democracy we thought we once had.

Annie Sewell-Jennings felt the same way, when she joked on her blog how she prayed to God that Bush and his cronies would commit mass suicide (lets hope prayer is as powerful as they say). Under the common knowledge that the Patriot Act effectively nullified the first amendment and removed our freedom of speech, the Secret Service showed up at her door, ready to take action against the 22 year old girl. Such absurdities are abound, under this repulsive administration, and joke of a president.

Following the topic of absurdities, is this farce we called an election. While we were fairly sure Bush would cheat his way into office for a second time, we had no idea it would be so clumsily executed, and blatantly obvious. As a bumper sticker so effectively stated, "If you're not pissed off, then you're not paying attention".

A few quotes and headlines I came across today...

"Days after the election, 55 million Americans are still scratching their heads and wondering how it is that George W. Bush won reelection. Garnering 8 million more votes than he earned in 2000, many are raising eyebrows as to how this was accomplished."

"Palm Beach County Logs 88,000 More (Bush) Votes Than Voters"

"Vote discrepancies were also found in Gahanna, Ohio which gave an extra 4,000 votes to President Bush. The error was explained away by Franklin County administrators as a 'glitch' in the electronic voting system."

"Over the past few years, Republicans have fought to prevent any type of paper trail through electronic voting. Despite printable ATM type receipts being a reasonable fail-safe, Republicans and corporations such as Diebold fought hard and eventually won the battle against a verifiable voting system."

"Election night, I'd been doing live election coverage for WDEV, one of the radio stations that carries my syndicated show, and, just after midnight, during the 12:20 a.m. Associated Press Radio News feed, I was startled to hear the reporter detail how Karen Hughes had earlier sat George W. Bush down to inform him that he'd lost the election. The exit polls were clear: Kerry was winning in a landslide. "Bush took the news stoically," noted the AP report. But then the computers reported something different. In several pivotal states."

http://www.washingtondispatch.com/article_10500.shtml
http://ustogether.org/Florida_Election.htm - Some amazing numbers, look closely
http://www.washingtondispatch.com/spectrum/archives/000715.html
http://politics.slashdot.org/politics/04/11/08/1910250.shtml?tid=103&tid=219
http://www.commondreams.org/views04/1106-30.htm
http://edition.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/11/05/voting.problems.ap/index.html
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/politics/content/news/epaper/2004/11/05/a29a_BROWVOTE_1105.html

My happy ending

2004-10-01T01:52:00.000-07:00

It felt like it would last forever, the stability, the comfort, the routine that one warmly nestles into, and never gives a second thought. The people around you, the significant other, the coworkers, everyone that knows your name. A little order to the madness, that little strain of sanity that keeps us all in the same autonomous check.

When forever comes to an end, when the people stop caring, when the job stops paying, when the pebbles of routine all come crashing down around you, what was once your little stream of comfort, is now your grand canyon of distress. An extravagant explosion of all that can fail, and simultaneously does.

The dust settles, the stream of life evaporates, and you find yourself crying to the sky as every fiber of what you once knew, has ceased to be; the only evidence of your own existence in the unrelenting pain enveloping your otherwise empty soul.

The Sandwich Artist

2004-09-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

Every few days, I dart across the street to my friendly local Subway and grab a six inch sandwich for lunch at work. This Subway however, isn't so friendly. The staff consist of disgruntled robots, who cynically go about their mundane task of sandwich artist. I'm generally greeted with a monotone "Hello sir, what can I get for you." statement, rather than a question. They then proceed to assemble a half-ass blob which is squished together and squirted out the sides, as they roll their finished "art" up into its final wrapping paper. Now mind you, I'm not asking for something on par with Blimpie, but for my hard earned $7 I expect something remotely resembling a sandwich.

My expectations were finally forced even lower, when one day I walked in and a scraggly hairy life form emerged from behind the counter, sporting the trademark Subway shirt, hat, and a lopsided tag that read "Johnny". I pondered for a moment, the logistics involved in a bum walking in off the street, stealing a full fast food outfit, and posing as an employee. The horror quickly set in; this degenerate held a legitimate job at this establishment. Apparently under the impression that he was of African American descent, he ever so smoothly executed a slightly sideways hobble of a walk over to the counter, bopping to his Ice Cube beat playing the background. Suave.

Johnny proceeded with the usual transcript of rhetorical questions, and after a bit of fumbling, had the beginnings of my lunch underway. More impressive than his lack of ability to count two tomatoes, he stylishly tossed three of them onto the bread with his hip "I don't give a fuck" attitude. He was far too cool for this job, and he wanted to make sure his customers knew it. After spilling lettuce everywhere, and somehow mistaking "olives" for "pickles", he coolly doused my sandwich in the wrong kind of mustard, and wrapped it up before I could ask for salt and pepper, or anything else for that matter. After having my change lobbed at me and being given the wrong size drink, I decided to just let it all slide and to get back to work.

Now I have the utmost respect for people who work in low paying customer service positions, particular in the food industry. It's filled with grouchy customers and is generally a demanding job during the meal hours. Most of these people execute their job with some sort of respect for the fact that they're employed and generally do their best to not look like morons. Johnny however, failed on both accounts. Despite the fact that he would probably cry if he lost his career at Subway, Johnny showed not an ounce of pride in his job, nor demeanor. It amazes me that people like this can become employed.

I think I'll start going to a different Subway.

New wheels

2004-09-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

The time had come, for a new set of wheels. Not a Honda, not another BMW, but this time...a 24 speed Gary Fisher mountain bike. Living downtown (and now without a car) I've realized the need for something a bit more efficient than my own two feet. As a kid, I absolutely adored my old Diamond Back Outlook 18 speed, and rode it every day. A decade later, I invested nearly a grand in a Trek Y1 full suspension mountain bike, which I rode all of a dozen times over a three year period. It was horribly made, with a squeaky frame, and very uncomfortable to ride. So, after selling it off, I stayed away from bikes for some time, until now.

This time around I did a great deal of research on various companies both domestic and abroad, reading about frame strengths, components, and overall consumer ratings of various brands and models. My research narrowed my choices down to Gary Fisher, which had the single best mid-level mountain bike rating in its category. I recalled a friend back in California that had a forest green Gary Fisher bike that I loved. It was sturdy, smooth, and very comfortable.

I called up the local Bike Gallery store (despite having horrible previous experience with them) and found they had a single 2005 Gary Fisher Wahoo bike in their store. So, after some sizing and a few questions, it is now mine. Once again, the notorious Bike Gallery lived up to its astonishing lack of customer service, with rude, apathetic, unknowledgeable staff. However in this case, they were close and well priced. I highly recommend to do your OWN research before hand, if you plan on buying a bike from them.

Anyway, I bought a CatEye trip computer, a headlight and tail light (required in Oregon for night riding), a Kryptonite lock, a new seat (the stock one was an atrocity), and some weather fenders for the rainy reasons. All in all, I only spent $500 or so, and am quite happy with this bike. It currently has 50 miles on it, every one of which has been a pleasure to ride.

All good things must come to an end

2004-09-20T19:46:00.000-07:00

It's astonishing how quickly one's life can take a disasterous turn for the worse without a moment's notice.

In the past few months, I've experienced my share of losses...dishonest friends (is that really worth mourning?), money, family, the list goes on. Recently, my significant other, decided to do the unthinkable and now I have lost my relationship as well. In the midst of my grief I held onto a single glimmer of hope, that being my job; a foot in the door, my little sliver of hope leading to a better future.

All of that changed on Friday afternoon at 4 PM. A mysterious staff meeting was called, and we were all informed that our company, was closing its doors for good. In a small startup environment, announcements like these carry much weight. The HR lady cried, the receptionist looked devistated, the IT manager was disappointed, and the CEO appeared to have the weight of the world on his shoulders. Apologies were doled out, and the details of "severence" were covered, as our incredulous staff of twelve, saw their futures swirl down the bowl.

I never fathomed I could land a job even half this great. And I never imagined that I could lose it so quickly, with the absolute worst timing imaginable.

Dave Matthews Band

2004-09-07T02:50:00.000-07:00

My dream finally became a reality. On September 5th (two days ago) my friend Jennifer and I drove to the Gorge in Washington and saw the Dave Matthews Band concert. To say that it was good, or even great, would be a mild understatement. It was the best show I've ever seen...and not just because I'm a big DMB fan. The band exuded a passion for the music that I have never before seen at a show. Dave's voice was slowly fading, as this was his third day straight playing at the Gorge. Despite this setback, he belted out every tune with a ferocious determination, as though it were his last show ever. "Ants Marching" got a good 25,000 people dancing like I've never seen...the energy of the whole thing was just surreal.

The Gorge itself was a spectacle all in its own. After driving for four and a half hours, we were greeted with a little one lane road, open blue skies, and dust. That's it. There is absolutely nothing at the Gorge, outside the venue's designated ground. A brief glance in each direction revealed mountains or plains, for a hundred miles. We would have thought we'd taken a wrong turn had it not been for the other thousands of cars in our ever-growing caravan, all heading in the same direction. We were directed to park in a field, and walked about a quarter mile to the venue, from there. After a quick ticket scan and pat down, we walked up a hill, and were greeted with an absolutely astonishing view of the gorge.

Anyhow, we decided to drive home that night instead of spending money on a motel. We left the Gorge at 11:30 PM, and got home at 5:00 AM (due to a few wrong turns, and a stop at Denny's). All in all it was an incredible show...and one that I plan on seeing again. When tickets go on sale for next year's show, I'll have ticketmaster.com ready to go.

My new toy

2004-08-19T01:49:00.000-07:00

Well, after learning a painful lesson in camera carrying during my Siggraph 2004 trip to Los Angeles, I wised up and got myself a new Canon SD110 Elph digital camera. It's a sleek and small 3.2 megapixel camera. Its diminutive size and weight will be perfect for future trips. It takes great pictures, and has more features that I could have imagined, for this size and price point.

My Trip

2004-08-13T23:31:00.000-07:00

I recently scratched off one more item on my "things-to-do-before-I-die" list, and that is, I attended Siggraph 2004 in Los Angeles, California. While I couldn't give two beans about LA, I have wanted to attend the Siggraph computer graphics trade show since I was 14 years old. It was a fleeting dream, and one that was only realized thanks to my new job as Systems Administrator for a local graphics studio.

I left my apartment at 3 PM, wanting to leave plenty of time for the train ride to the airport (my flight didn't depart until nearly 4 hours later, and the airport was only 15 miles away). Not even ten minutes into the train ride, the driver announced over the intercom that there was a car wreck on the tracks, and that the train would not be going all the way to the airport. What a wonderful way to start my trip. So, I took the train as far as it would go, and got off to wait for a shuttle that supposedly would take me to the next train stop, where I could resume my ride to the airport. A couple of shuttles came and went, all of which were quite full. After nearly getting trampled to death by weary travelers that wanted onto the shuttles, I finally gave in and called a cab to the airport. And hey, why not, the company was paying for anything that I brought back a receipt for. My cab pulled up, and a mob of impatient people all ran towards it. The driver locked his doors and waited for me to get there (thank god). So, I eventually caught my flight and off I went, to Los Angeles.

The temperature in LA was a great deal cooler than Portland, a welcoming 75 degrees or so. We flew into LA around 10:30 PM. At 5,000 ft you could see every street lamp and strip club in east LA. The view was pretty amazing; the lights went on as far as the eye could see.

Having boarded this flight at the beautiful PDX airport, walking off the plane into LAX was a shock. The whole place smelled of urine, complementing the sterile white walls and 30 year old brown furniture. It was the most desolate, disgusting airport I have ever seen. I would come to realize the next day, that these characteristics weren't just limited to LA's airport.

I met up with some coworkers after we landed, and we all shuffled outside to figure out how we were going to get to downtown, 20 miles away. We settled on a cab. After our 90 mph, $40 cab ride we walked into our hotel, the Wilshire Grand, thanking various gods that we were still alive. After the standard fare check-in confusion (Are you sure you have a reservation?) we finally all got our electronic hotel keys, and headed off to our rooms for the night.

Once upstairs I promptly found a wireless network and ordered room service. I was a tad shocked when a waitress came into my room with a silver platter. She lifted the lid to reveal a $28 turkey sandwich, complete with a crystal water bowl, adorned with flowers and various other decorations, along with 4 different flavors of Grey Poupon mustard. All I wanted was a simple sandwich before bed. So, I ate my overpriced food, and admired my absurd hotel room. It was a two bed, two bath CEO suite with a lounge, wet bar, entertainment system (including video games), and a glass wall overlooking downtown, and the hotel pool. If only the bed were that impressive.

I woke up the next morning, having slept like shit, and headed off to find the shuttle to Siggraph. I walked into the front door of the Los Angeles Convention Center and my geek meter flew off the charts. After passing the "PDA info beaming center", I went over to the Siggraph information booth and bought a couple of Siggraph t-shirts.

Walking into the main exhibition center, was just awesome. The entire place was fairly dark, only illuminated by the neon lights and lasers and logos of the various companies present. Apple's booth was right at the front door, sporting a massive 20 foot wide display for presentations, and tons of G5 computers with 30" LCD displays. Techno blasted through the air, the whole place just oozed of geek. I was in heaven. I took a zillion pictures, all of which will soon be available here.

I saw a million laptops at Siggraph over the course of the week, 90% of which were Apple Powerbooks. My own personal 12" Powerbook served me quite well during the entire trip, both on the plane and during the show. I found several wireless networks, and the battery lasted more than long enough each day. I noticed that the few people who didn't use Powerbooks were mostly Korean and Japanese. Instead, they were using these tiny PC laptops that I've never before seen. By tiny I mean maybe 3 lbs, with 9" SXGA screens, and usually no optical drive. They walked around with them in one hand as if they were PDAs or something. It was interesting to see how many people favor tiny laptops over PDAs these days.

Another big thing I saw at Siggraph was 3D displays. They didn't require special glasses, and many of them were very convincing. They advertised uses ranging from entertainment to 3D medical imaging. I was particularly impressed with a certain "spinning" display that I came across. It basically was a glass sphere with a spindle inside, with LEDs attached. As it spins, the LEDs rapidy turn on and off, creating a three dimensional image. They had a picture up, of the human respiratory system, and it looked like you could reach out and touch it. Amazing stuff.

I have to say though, of all the booths there, NVidia really stole the show. They had multiple booths, maybe a half dozen total, showing off various technologies. One thing I was impressed with was the Jim Henson Puppet Animation system. Basically they had a puppeteer inside a booth, operating an onscreen character that was quite impressively rendered in real time, using some of NVidia's beefiest graphics hardware. You could walk up to the screen of the character, and wave, say hi, and talk to them. A hidden camera showed the puppeteer your face, and a mic let them hear your voice. Graphically, it was nearly the quality of what you'd expect to find in a movie.

Nvidia also flexed their financial muscle, giving away $2,000 graphics cards every half hour, for the full week. They also gave away a Pollywell dual processor Opteron PC, along with a ton of software. What was funny is that they also threw an after-show party at a local bar and invited everybody to come. They handed out drink tickets, and got everybody smashed that night. I considered handing them my resume!

All in all, I had a great time. I talked to a lot of great people at Apple, Sun, NVidia, AMD, SGI, etc. I learned a ton, and came away with a great experience. Oh, and did I mention that I fell in love? While staffing our company's booth, I saw this blonde girl in glasses, in a blue dress, that was absolutely jaw-droppingly gorgeous. She looked like a hot geek, basically. I saw her a couple other times throughout the show, but never got the chance to talk to her. Ah well, I'm in no position for such things anyway...

I may or may not attend Siggraph 2005, depending on whether or not my company needs me there. I will however be attending in 2006, in Boston. My plans for next year, include going to Comdex, even if my company won't pay for it.

In closing, I'd recommend that every self-respecting geek attend at least one major trade show in their lifetime. It's an unforgettable experience.