The Joys of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, a day when many people sit down with friends and family, stuffing themselves with plates of food, giving thanks to the warmth of love they have all around them.

I'm sure those were the thoughts and good intentions of the grocery store clerk who merrily quipped "Happy Thanksgiving!" to me as I left the checkout stand. I forced a smile and tried not to let the occasion remind me of what Thanksgiving truly entails for some of us.

It seems in the midst of their happiness people are all too willing to completely forget about the reality that life holds for others. Some of us don't have friends, or a family, to spend the holidays with. Some of us spend Thanksgiving alone, eating pizza in front of the TV, while others curl up on the couch quietly crying to themselves. Worse yet, some don't have a couch, nor a home for that matter. But we don't want to think of those people; who wants to ruin the holiday cheer, right? What Thanksgiving is really about to most people, is being thankful that they're not as bad off as the next guy.

So happy Thanksgiving everybody and pay no mind to Leroy, freezing under the Burnside bridge in a flannel blanket, or your next door neighbor crying himself to sleep out of sheer desperation and lonliness. God bless America, and everything will be OK. Right?

Oh and don't worry Leroy, Christmas is just around the corner; that'll cheer you up in no time.

Confusion

Every day, I feel further from my goals, my aspirations, my future....my self. This isn't general whining mind you, but rather an observation of a collection of much more specific things.

A few months ago my depression reared its ugly head, despite my continued use of Welbutrin. Prior to that, I experienced a few months where I was actually happy. I'm not talking ecstatic, euphoric, anything of that sort. I was simply content. Even my bad days were a hundred times better my previous good days. I felt like I was me again.

One day, the powers that be decided that they'd had enough of this "happy" bullshit and they took it all away. I slipped back into old habits: a bad diet, insomnia, inability to concentrate, irritability, the works. Many of these things were listed side effects of the drug, so perhaps they simply took their sweet time in kicking in? I don't know.

What I do know is that my life is going nowhere, fast. And the amazing part? IT'S ALL INTERNAL. There are absolutely zero outside factors right now that are hindering my progression. I have money, I have a job, I have a car, I have a roof over my head, I have most every material item I could want. Most importantly, I have a plan. Sounds perfect right? So what the fuck is the problem? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

So what's wrong? I've got insomnia. I'm irritated by even the simplest of things, I mean really small bullshit that I normally wouldn't think twice about. I can't concentrate for crap; getting through a book is now a monumental task. I can't even read the daily news anymore because I can't read entire sentences without getting antsy and skimming along to the next item. Even sitting here writing this blog entry requires an enormous amount of concentration. Furthermore, my mind is always racing...to the point where I can't think, and I generally make a lot of typos (mind is thinking one thing, fingers are typing another). My diet has gone to shit. I reverted back to soda and fast food, instead of my usual fare of tea, water, and healthy asian food. I have no idea why.

Lastly, I'm lonely as hell. I live in a city of millions of people and I know maybe 3 of them. I have zero close friends, and spend 99% of my time alone. You'd think this alone time would cause me to be quite productive, alas....see the above paragraph.

I want it to all go away, I want my brain to function again...I want myself back.

The Beginning

Every day, I am deathly afraid of the truth...what it means, what it might reveal about me. But not right now, right now I'm free, I am clear.

The only way to truly...be...is to simply let go and accept what life has given you. The truth of this really hit me tonight. As humans we have an inherent greed that we must transcend, to find our true selves. I believe that this is goes beyond the scope of the human capacity. But in contrast to what I do not know, is what I merely feel. I cannot comprehend this requirement of me, as a human and as a part of Gaia. I have realized that all of this struggle is futile, pointless. I am here for a reason, an undeniable reason that I can feel on the deepest level, regardless what I "believe". My reason is different from most while sharing the same foundation, and perhaps that's what makes it so special. Perhaps that is what justifies the sacrifices required. Maybe feelings are necessary to facilitate in putting our minds at rest when we oppose our true destiny and purpose in life.

So now I see, that every moment of every day of my existence, was just one of many pieces of the puzzle that all add up to finally reveal the grand picture of my reason for existence. I realize now just how greedy I was in the past. I used to put myself first, I was what mattered....to me. I understand, no...I *feel* now, just how wrong I was. I never had a notion of something greater than myself, a collectively greater entity than my cognitive "self".

I can't pretend to understand why I was destined for this role in life, why I was picked to carry out what I now feel is my duty. So my task, from here on out, is to push aside my personal feelings and effects, to do what I know best, to care of others in the deepest sense...with selfless regard.

When this feeling surfaces, I don't know if I should rejoice in happiness, or cry in hopeless despair. But again, it doesn't matter. We are divine, we are what we were meant to be...and though our mind would sometimes like to challenge that position, we cannot fight it. I aspire to remind myself every day that I wake up, that today my goal is to follow my heart, to take another step closer to the infectious spread of life, energy, and selfless love.

Every day will be a struggle to abandon myself, in hopes not that I will one day perfect it, but rather that I will have accomplished the goals destined before me, to give everything I have...to love every soul that crosses my path, unconditionally.

So...I wave goodbye to myself, and I set "me" free.

A Good Day

So today I woke up and said "I'm going to make today count", I grabbed a shower and caught a train downtown. I got down here, took care of some business at the local college, and headed across the river to a diner for some breakfast.

A black homeless man named Lee Roy walked up and introduced himself; we chatted a bit, he liked my coat. He asked what I did for a living, and though most of what I said went right over his head, he was quite friendly nonetheless. He asked for 30 cents, I gave him 75. It's amazing how happy you can make somebody with a mere 75 cents. I came back over the river and decided to hop off and check out this little internet cafe I had been hearing about, called Backspace.

Neat little place, locally owned, great atmosphere. They have free wifi, a gaming room full of PCs, and a couple pool tables. I love Portland, it's full of little places like this.

It's about damned time I had a good day, I deserve it.

A gem on the web

Tonight I was standing in my kitchen with my Powerbook, surfing the web while cooking myself some dinner. I was browsing through local blogs, and stumbled across one that intrigued me. I decided to read a post or two...

Fast forward three hours and I still haven't finished reading. I got sucked in. The author of "cheekyboots" has an insight and perspective on life that I can't even begin to grasp. Her words are encouraging, and comforting. Much of what she says, you and I already know, yet fail to apply in our every day lives.

I highly recommend pointing your browser over to Cheekyboots.com and having a read. Make sure you're comfy, as you may be there for a while...

A strange emptiness

So here I sit in the wee hours of the morning on my living room couch. I haven't slept in two days, as my insomnia decided to make an unwelcome comeback. I opened my sliding glass door a couple hours ago, so I could hear the soothing sounds of the storm outside. I peered through the night to the street lamp across the way, illuminating just how hard it was raining. I casually glanced up at the swaying trees above, and it hit me like a truck.

Absolute emptiness. A lonely cold shiver that rattled my entire body and pierced my heart. A feeling so utterly profound and powerful, as to seem borderline surreal. Looking up, the combination of the dark night sky, the bitter winter air and the lashing winds howling through the treetops above, caused a startling desperate emptiness. It felt like every ounce of confidence, security and warmth I have ever had, was instantly ripped straight out of my chest. I suddenly felt sure that I was to die alone in the dark, in the midst of a relentless storm, not now...but someday. "Alone"...the thought echoed through my head.

This isn't the first time it has happened, but merely the first time in nearly two years. At a previous residence, there grew very tall trees and one night when I ventured out for a walk, the rustling of the trees in the strong winds first produced this phenomenon.

I've never in my life felt such a compelling fear, one that caused me to reassess my entire existence and emotional integrity. It felt as though the very thing that made me human, life itself, was taken from me in an instant. All that was left was an empty shell, somehow still standing there, eyes locked on these seemingly deadly trees. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. I wanted to look away, but couldn't.

I was frozen in the worst state imaginable...a prisoner to eternal emptiness.

A sign?

In January I found myself sliding down a runway in a Boeing 737 at San Francisco International airport, due to the slick rainy conditions.

In May, a Mitsubishi plane crashed about 50 yards from my office building where I work, just missing our northeast building.

Over the weekend, a military jet fighter screamed over my apartment at 11pm, setting off car alarms and nearly blowing my windows out.

Today, on my way back to work from my lunch break, a helicopter swooped out from behind a line of trees, and skimmed about 30 feet over the top of my car, scaring the shit out of me.

Something tells me I should avoid flying in the foreseeable future.
*sighs*